Saturday, February 28, 2009


Life is what happens when you are busy making plans.
Time heals all wounds.
Timing is everything.

They all apply and none approach being adequate.

My daydreams of living in a urban palace replaced by random flashes of a person who never existed. My thoughts focused on wads of cells currently floating thru the sewer system of my municipality.

The news was never spread, so the retractions are minimal. Painful but not overwhelming.
Helping two small people navigate their way to adulthood makes things easier.

I don't play to much "what if". I'm more of a "what now" type. Continue with my vitamins, rededicate to exercise and nutrition, wait and see.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Miscarriage

Sad sounds in the bathroom at 3am.

The plop after the pee. Paralyzation. The sobs are quick and furious. The grief surprises me as I reach down into the toilet...

As far as my hand can go. To retrieve that which I thought would be born in October. Squishing the dark red mass in between my fingers. Blood sprinkling the seat, the floor, the walls. I'm loathe to wipe it as it's all that I'll ever have from this particular promise. Eyes straining thru tears for anything recognizable.

This scene repeats itself, like the animated flip books from my childhood. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quick, but the last page remains the same.

In the bathrooms where I welcomed life, I welcome ragged orbs of flesh. Every color red imaginable. My oldest would be delighted with the wide array.

Three hours have passed, my solitary bathroom waltz to be replaced by the more routine rhythms of an "ordinary" weekday morning. Turkey bacon to be broiled, oatmeal to be microwaved. Hugs to be dispensed.

Tears to be hidden.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Birthday Plans

My daughter's birthday is next month and despite my day dreams of a fabulous party in the sea green house, I better come up with alternate plans. 

There is a cute children's bookstore that I'm leaning towards as a venue. I try to support independent businesses whenever I can (and when the service and products warrant it) so it would kill two birds with one stone. The same book store is having an American Girl Doll event next week which will be a free way to engage in one of her favorite hobbies. 

I'm conflicted about AG as a past time, there is something untoward about buying a $130 bedroom set for a depression era doll during a depression! But as long as she continues to regard Hannah Montana with a mixture of disdain and morbid curiousity, I'm happy.

Monday, February 16, 2009


Our library jaunt was fun and informative.

I felt like Rip Van Winkle, I knew the cards would be electronic but I still had my daughter prepared to sign something. We went to one of the smaller local branches and I was impressed both by the hours, (last time I went to the library regularly Sunday hours were rare) and by the number of computers.

My son automatically found a book based on that childhood classic The Transformers. Which was actually cool b/c that definitely falls into the category of things I don't have a problem with him looking at but am not spending money on. After we had already checked it out, I realized that the last 4/5 pages are missing. But I'm secure in my knowledge that my husband can come up with an ending that rivals whatever Bruckheimer and his collaborators concocted.

My daughter's obsession is Junie B. Jones so after her fix I went in search of some light reading of my own. We own tens of books I've yet to read ( I wanted to tell the kind librarian that we were a literate family despite our unfamiliarity with how libraries work in this century!) but couldn't put my finger on exactly what I wanted.

But then I came across "Them" by Nathan McCall and remembered it touched on a lot of the issues that have come up in our house search. I started it yesterday and would love to hear from anyone who has read it...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Day After V Day

Valentine's day was really relaxed. 

My husband took the kiddos to their basketball game and then out to run some  errands later in the day. Giving me some much needed alone time. We haven't told them that I'm pregnant yet, we haven't told his parents so I think until he does that we'll hold off telling them. This is one time when being overweight is handy. B/c I'm nothing if not self confident when I look in a mirror I see a pregnant lady when most see just a fat broad!

Today's excitement includes getting my daughter her first library card.  When times were more flush we went to the bookstore on a monthly basis. But she's just learning to read and going thru books like water we'll venture to the library. Not to mention that like many Americans I'm turning to bodice ripping novels in these dark days and I've run  thru my personal collection of steamy smut. My youngest thinks the bookstore is a library so it will clear up some confusion for him.

The husband and I talked a little about the sea green house yesterday. 

He thinks it qualifies as a mansion... 

Which in many respects it does but lacks in the square footage department in my opinion. But well appointed upscale home doesn't have quite the same ring does it? His father is our financial backer for all things of consequence so the thought that this is a good investment opportunity for him is the  shaky platform that my dream rests on. He lives in another state and is open to investing in a multi family for us, hence my ability to house hunt period given the current economic meltdown. But pitching an urban version of The Petite Trianon is another story entirely.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

The Sea Green House

This blog will be about various things but the title comes from my obsession with a sea green house, in a "marginal" but "revitalizing" neighborhood that we can't afford and I desperately want to live in...

We live in a suburb that while far from ideal, isn't awful. We are looking for an income producing property close to or in the city proper. Coincidence brought us across the street from the object of my affection. The multi family we were on the street to see to has all sorts of potential, but at 6-8 weeks pregnant (depending on which of two rousing sexual sessions took) and with a 4 and almost 6 year old to take care of, tackling building projects is probably not a bright idea.

I mentioned to my sweet and helpful realtor that I knew the block because I really liked this house. I didn't mention that I dream of living there, showering in the lavish master bath, having wine on one of the three wrap around decks. So having some time and being game she offered to show me and my crew. Which included my husband who was well aware of my sick attachment to this house but was kind enough not to mention it to the realtor.

Well the actual house surpassed the online photos. It's tricked out (do the kids still use that term?) with all sorts of high end details, moldings and whole closets devoted to wires for electrical systems I couldn't operate even if we had the money to install them! I'm not sure if going inside was a good thing as it means I will be that much more crushed when it goes under contract and we're not the ones moving in.

But with so many people trying desperately to stay in any home, I realize my obsession with a home that has both theater and exercise rooms is more than a little twisted.

Having acknowledged that doesn't justify the inherent shallowness of the situation. And it doesn't mean I want to live in the sea green house any less...